Despre familie si emotii

Ce inseamna familia pentru tine?

Familia este un loc unde gasim sprijin, bunatate, iubire, magie, indrumare, bucurie sau tristate si dezamagire. O franghie care ne scoate din locurile ce mai intunecate si adancuri. Totodata, coroana ce incununeaza fiecare moment de fericire, facandu-l unic, special si sa dureze o vesnicie. Toti cautam familia in inimile noastre, mai devreme sau mai tarziu in viata. Toti incercam sa cream familia in jurul nostru si avem nevoie de cineva pe care sa contam, cu care sa ne impartasim gandurile si sentimentele si care sa ne aduca alinare.

A fi imigrant inseamna a depune sacrificiul de a-ti lasa familia in urma cateodata, oricat de dureros ar fi. Unii oameni sunt separati de partenerii sau copiii lor, numarand zilele pana sa se regaseasca din nou. De-a lungul calatoriei noastre prin Sectia de Terapie Intensiva Nonatala, am intalnit atat de multi parinti singuri, care nu aveau nici un sprijin, dar si parinti ce aveau o multime de oameni care sa le intampine bebelusul, chiar daca era un bebelus foarte micut. Vazandu-i pe acesti oameni, ne amintea cat de dor ne era de familiile noastre, nu doar pentru sprijinul ce ni-l puteau acorda, ci totodata pentru ca au pierdut momentul venirii unei vieti pe lume; un moment ce ne reaminteste de puterea si binecuvantarea lui Dumnezeu. Totusi, familia nu inseamna doar a fi impreuna si fericiti mereu, dar si a depasi situatii dificile. Mai mult de cat atat, atunci cand suntem despartiti realizam ce insemnam unul pentru altul si bucuram si mai mult, cand suntem impreuna.

Aurora si Victoria au fost hospitalizate peste 230 de zile, iar fiecare spital avea regulile sale cu privire la programul de vizite. Copiilor care aveau fratiori la Neonatologie, nu le era permis sa viziteze oricand, pentru a evita raspandirea virusurilor. La UCLH, la Sectia de Terapie Intensiva Neonatala, sectie de gradul 3, politica de iarna a fost adoptata pe 3 Octombrie 2017, iar de atunci, Maria nu mai putea sa isi vada surorile. La Whittington Hospital, sectie de gradul 2, politica de iarna a fost adoptata pe 12 Noiembrie, insa fetele au fost mutate aici pe 14 noiembrie. A fost o provocare de a incerca sa fim pretutindeni, si aproape am uitat sentimentul de a fi impreuna, deoarece unul dintre noi trebuia sa aiba grija de Maria, iar celalalt sa fie la spital. Erau zile cand Maria nu isi vedea tatal intrucat acesta se trezea dimineata devreme pentru a merge la munca, iar dupa munca, mergea la spital. Rareori aveam timp sa vorbim fata in fata.

In mijlocul iernii, eu am racit si nu puteam sa le vizitez pe Aurora si Victoria, asa ca sotul meu trebuia sa stea mai mult la spital. In schimb, eu petreceam mai mult timp cu Maria. Intr-o duminica, i-am spus ca o sa mergem sa il luam pe tatal ei de la spital si vom petrece restul zilei impreuna, iar ea a zis: ‘’Dar eu nu am tata. Tata sta doar la spital.’’. A fost sfasietor sa constat cata nevoie avea sa stam cu ea amandoi.

Cand doctorii ne-au intrebat despre Maria, le-am spus ce simtea, iar ei i-au dat voie Mariei sa isi viziteze surorile timp de o ora, cand nu erau prea multi bebelusi in sectie, iar ea nu arata niciun semn de raceala. Era 4 februarie 2018, intr-o dupa amiaza rece cand eu si Maria am ajuns la spital. Cand ajunsesem, ea m-a intrebat: ‘’Esti sigura ca pot intra?’’. Era atat de curioasa sa vada cat au crescut Aurora si Victoria, iar eu eram atat de emotionata. Timp de o ora puteam sa ne privim, sa vorbim si sa radem, fara a ne gandi ce fac Aurora si Victoria, fara a ne simti vinovati ca suntem intr-un loc, dar nu suntem in altul…Dupa o lunga perioada, ne simteam o familie completa din nou. De-a lungul acelei ore ne-am reincarcat bateriile, am umplut locuri goale din sufltele noastre si am adunat amintiri unde ne puteam intoarce ori de cate ori simteam nevoia de a fii impreuna din nou, pana avea sa vina primavara si Mariei ii era permis sa viziteze din nou.

Cateodata, cantitatea nu este atat de importanta cat este calitatea. Lucrurile marunte care sunt facute cu iubire, dedicatie si loialitate, sunt neasemuite si de neuitat.

Iar pentru ca fiecare fotografie spune o poveste, te rog sa gasesti atasate cateva dintre ale noastre din acea zi.

Maria, Aurora si tatal lor.

Maria si Victoria alintandu-se.

Maria, Victoria (stanga), Aurora (dreapta) si tatal lor.

Noi toti…ca o familie ce suntem!

Multumesc ca ai citit!

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About family and emotions

What family means to you?

A family is a place where we find support, kindness, love, magic, guidance, joy or sadness and disappointment. It represents the rope that can take us out of the deepest and the darkest places. Also, the crown that crowns every moment of happiness making it unique, special and long-lasting. We all seek family in our hearts, earlier or later in life. We all want to create ‘’family’’ around us and need somebody to rely on, to share our feelings with and to be comforted by.

Being an immigrant means to make the sacrifice to let your family behind sometimes, no matter how painful it is. Some people are apart from their wives or children and count the days until they will be together again. Throughout our journey in NICU, we met so many parents who were alone, without any support, but also, parents who had a bunch of people to welcome their baby, even if it was a very tiny baby. So seeing these people it reminded us how much we missed our families, not only because of the support that could give us but also because they lost the moment of a life coming to the world, a moment that reminds us about GOD`s power and blessing.  However, a family is not about being together and happy all the time, but also to transcend difficult situations. Moreover, is when we are apart we realise what we mean to each other and enjoy, even more, when together.

Aurora and Victoria spent over 230 days in the hospital, and each hospital had its own rules regarding the visiting time, strict rules were applied for siblings to prevent any viruses spread. At UCLH, in NICU, a level 3 UNIT, the winter policy was adopted on 3rd October 2017, so after that time Maria was not able to see her little sisters until spring would come. At Whittington Hospital, level 2 unit, it was adopted on 12th November, but the girls came in on 14th. It was very challenging to manage to be everywhere, and we almost forgot the feeling of being together, because one of us had to look after Maria, and the other one, to be at the hospital. There were days when Maria did not see her daddy as he used to wake up early in the morning to go to work and visit the girls after work. Rarely, we had time to talk face to face.

In the middle of the winter, I got a cold, and I was not able to visit Aurora and Victoria, so my husband had to spend more time at the hospital. Instead, I spend more time with Maria. On a Sunday, I told her that we will go to pick up her dad and will spend the rest of the day together, and she said: ‘’But I do not have a daddy anymore. Daddy stays only at the hospital’’. It was heartbreaking for me to see how much she needed both of us to be with her.

When the doctors asked about Maria, we told them what she felt, so they allowed her to come for an hour to visit her sisters when there were not too many babies at the unit and she did not show any sign of a cold. It was 4th of February 2018, a chilly afternoon when Maria and I came to the hospital. When we got there she asked me: ”Are you sure I can go in?”. She was so curious to see how much Aurora and Victoria have grown, and I was so excited. For an hour we could look at each other, talk and laugh without having to think what are Aurora and Victoria doing, without feeling guilty for being in a place, but not at the other…After a long time, we felt a complete family again. Throughout that hour we recharged our batteries, filled the empty spots in our hearts and collected memories where we could go back any time we wanted to be together again until the spring came, and Maria was allowed to visit again.

Sometimes, the quantity is not as important as the quality. Little things made with love, dedication and loyalty, are precious and unforgettable.

 Also, because every picture tells a story, please find attached some of ours from that day.

Maria, Aurora and their dad.

Maria and Victoria bonding.

Maria, Victoria (left), Aurora (right) and their dad.

All of us…as a family that we are.

Thank you for reading!

Alaptarea in Sectia de Terapie Intensiva Neonatala

Textul din fotografie: ”Alaptarea este un dar ce dureaza o viata intrega.” Sursa: Pinterest

Laptele mamei este ca  o ‘’potiune magica’’ ce are efecte semnificative asupra sistemului imunitar si dezvoltarii bebelusului. Totodata, reprezinta cea mai buna cale pentru o mama de a-si arata iubirea bebelusului, de a lega o relatie stransa cu acesta si de a-l calma.

Cand un copilas se naste prematur, multe din lucrurile mentionate mai sus se schimba. Mama nu are oportunitatea de a-si pune la san bebelusul, acesta fiind hranit prin tub, cu ajutorul unei seringi. In cazul meu, la scurt timp dupa ce Aurora si Victoria s-au nascut, trebuia sa storc lapte manual intr-o seringa. Nu am inteles de ce trebuie sa fie asa, iar cand am intrebat, moasa mi-a zis ca in primele zile dupa nastere cantitatea de lapte este minimala, iar mulgerea cu o pompa de san, ar face picaturile pretioase de colostrum, bogate in vitamine si minerale, sa se piarda in tuburile acesteia. Am urmat instructiunile si am incercat sa storc regulat, pentru a stimula lactatia. Unele mame care nasc prematur nu reusesc sa produca lapte deoarece corpul lor nu este inca pregatit pentru acest lucru.

Mulgerea cu o pompa de san a fost un lucru destul de dificil. A fost trist sa nu le am pe fete la pieptul meu. Asadar, cateodata luam ceva ce le apartinea, de exemplu, o muselina, si o tineam aproape in timpul sesiunilor de mulgerere. Astfel, stimulam producerea de lapte. Unele mamici ar putea incerca sa se uite la fotografii cu bebelusii lor. Eu nu am fost in stare. De cate ori incercam, sfarseam plangand vazandu-le atat de micute si bolnave.

Pentru a se hrani singur, este nevoie ca bebelusul sa aiba reflexul de supt-inghitire-respiratie dezvoltat. Asta se intampla dupa saptamana 32 de gestatie. Uneori, si mai tarziu daca  bebelusul intampina dificultati in  a respira pe cont propriu. Aurora si Victoria au fost hranite prin cateter ombilical si vena in primele zile, iar de indata ce au putut primi laptele meu, prin tub orogastric si nasogastric o lunga durata de timp. Asta datorita faptului ca aveau nevoie de support pentru a respira.

Victoria hranita prin cateter ombilical in primele zile de la nastere

Aurora hranita prin cateter ombilical in primele zile de la nastere

La University College London Hospitals obisnuiam sa mulg lapte intr-o camera pusa la dispozitie din partea spitalului. Acolo era loc pentru patru mame si de obicei ne impartaseam povestile si ne incurajam reciproc. Cele mai comune intrebari pe care ni le puneam, au fost: ‘’La cate saptamani s-a nascut bebelusul tau?’’, ‘’Mai ai si alti copilasi?’’, ‘’Ce faci ca sa produci lapte?’’, ‘’De cat timp te afli in aceasta sectie?’’. Echipamentul de stors era de unica folosinta. Astfel, reducandu-se raspandirea posibilelor infectii. Pompa ara curatata inainte si dupa folosire de catre mama, si in fiecare zi de catre un angajat al spitalului. Se asemenea, sticlute de plastic non-reciclabile erau puse la dispozitie din partea spitalului, iar laptele era pastrat in figiderul din salon. Pe sticlute era scris numele bebelusului, dar si data si ora la care a fost muls laptele. Asistentele pastrau cantitatea de lapte necesara hranirii fetelor in frigider, iar surplusul era stocat in congelator.

Odata transferate la Whittington Hospital, Aurora si Victoria au fost acomodate in camera de izolatie din cauza virusului ce il detineau, CMV. In aceeasi camera, aveam o pompa de muls doar pentru mine, la fel si sticlute la discretie. Totodata, aveam oportunitatea de a steriliza echipamentul.

Acasa, aveam o pompa de san manuala, iar sticlute de la spital. Pentru ca produceam o cantitate mare de lapte, am depozitat si in congelator. Sticlutele ocupau cam mult spatiu, asa ca am folosit si pungi speciale pentru lapte matern, usor de gasit in orice farmacie. In congelatorul de acasa, laptele matern poate fi depozitat timp de 6 luni, pe cand in congelatorul spitalului, doar 3 luni. Am mentinut fluxul de lapte timp de aproape 4 luni, pentru ambele fete. Poate as fi reusit mai mult, dar deplasarea zilnica la spital, fiind sub presiune si stres mai mereu, trezitul regulat in timpul noptii, ma faceau sa pierd in greutate, energie si  sa devin epuizata.

Dupa ce fetele au consumat toate ‘’proviziile’’ din congelator, acestea au fost hranite cu formula de lapte praf. Inca de la inceput, nu au tolerat si vomitau des, iar  echipa ce avea grija de ele a schimbat tipul formulei de nenumarate ori, pana cand, dieticianul a decis sa incerce formula lapte praf cu amino acizi, PURAMINO. Acesta are proteine hidrolizate si este adesea administrat sugarilor alergici la laptele de vaca. Totodata, are un miros si gust oribil. Dupa ce fetele au implinit un an, treptat am schimbat PURAMINO cu o formula pe baza de lapte de capra, numit NANNYCARE. Initial, numarul 1, apoi numarul 2 pe care il consuma si acum.

Nu pot sublinia suficient importanta laptelui matern pentru un bebelus, mai ales pentru unul prematur. Acesta din urma, nu are un sistem digestiv suficient de dezvoltat pentru a tolera formula de lapte praf. Laptele matern este usor de digerat, protejeaza bebelusul impotriva microbilor si infectiilor, si il ajuta sa infloreasca mai bine decat orice alt tip de hrana sau supliment.

Breastfeeding in NICU

Mother`s milk is like a “magic potion” that has a significant effect on baby’s immune system and development. It also represents the best way for a mother to transmit her love to the baby, to bond and to soothe him.

When a baby is born prematurely, a lot of these things change. The mother does not have the opportunity to put her baby to the breast, but instead, the baby is fed through a tube with a syringe. In my case, soon after Aurora and Victoria were born, I was given a syringe and asked to express by hand. I did not understand why it was like that, so I asked, and the midwife told me that in the first days after delivery, the quantity of milk is minimal. Therefore, expressing with a pump might make the precious drops colostrum, rich in vitamins and minerals, to get lost in the tubing of the expressing kit. I followed the instructions, and I regularly expressed to stimulate the lactation. Some moms with premature births might struggle because their body is still not ready for this step.

Expressing by the pump was such hard work. It was sorrowful not to have the girls at my chest. So what I did, was to take something that belonged to them, a muslin for example, and had it close during the expressing sessions. That was helping to stimulate the milk production. Some moms might try to look at the pictures with their babies. I was not able. Whenever I tried, I ended up crying seeing them so little and sick.

Victoria fed by her dad with the syringe

To be able to feed himself, a baby needs to synchronise the sucking, swallowing and breathing. This happens after week 32 of gestation and even later if the infant is facing breathing issues. Aurora and Victoria were fed by UVC and IV in the first days, and OG and NG tubes, once they were able to receive the milk I was expressing for them. It took a long time for them to have the tube out due to the respiratory support they needed.

Victoria being fed by UVC and IV in the first days.

Aurora fed by UVC in the first days

At UCLH, I use to express in the expressing room. There was space for four moms at a time, and usually, we use to share our stories and struggles and encourage each other. More common questions were: ”At how many weeks was your baby born?”, ”Do you have other kids?”, ”What do you do to produce milk?”, ”For how long are you in NICU?”. All the expressing kits were for one use only. That was to reduce the spread of possible infections. The pump was cleaned before and after use by the moms, and every day by the staff of the hospital. Nonrecyclable bottles were provided, and the milk was kept in the hospital’s fridge, labelled with the name and the expressing date and hour. The nurses use to keep the amount of fluid necessary to feed the babies in the refrigerator that was in the nursery, and the rest of the amount was stocked in the freezer.

Once transferred to Whittington Hospital,  Aurora and Victoria were put in the isolation room because of the virus they had, CMV. I use to express in the same place. There was a pump only for me and bottles at discretion. Also, I had the opportunity to sterilise the kits.

At home, I expressed with a manual pump, filling the bottles from the hospital. Because I had much milk, I use to put it in the freezer. The bottles were taking much space, and I also used the milk bags, easy to find in any pharmacy. The milk can stay frozen for six months at home, and three months at the hospital. I manage to produce it for almost, four months, for both Aurora and Victoria. Maybe I could do more, but travelling to the hospital, being under pressure and stressed all the time, waking up during the night, use to make me lose weight, energy and I became exhausted.

After the girls had all my milk, they had the formula. From the very beginning, they did not tolerate it well, so the team that took care of them changed many types of milk, until the dietitian decided they should have the amino acid formula. It is a kind of milk with very broken proteins, usually given in cases of allergy to cow’s milk. It has a horrible taste and smell. After they were one year old, we gradually changed the PURAMINO with a goats milk formula, called NANNYCARE. Initially to number 1, and after, number 2 and they still consuming it.

The amino-acid formula

The formula that Aurora and Victoria had been on after they turned 1 year old

I can not stress enough the importance of mother’s milk for a baby, moreover, for a premature infant. Preemies do not have a strong enough digestive system to tolerate the formula. Mom’s milk is easy to digest, protects the baby against bacterias and infections and makes him thrive better than any other food or supplement in the world.

Source: Pinterest

Invata de la cei mai mici

“Sanatatea este reala avutie nu bucatile de aur si argint.” a spus Mahatma Gandhi. Totusi, cateodata dureaza mult timp pana sa ne dam seama ca asa este.

Prematurii sunt foarte fragili, fara organe puternice care sa-i faca sa supravietuiasca singuri si un sistem imunitar slab care nu ii ajuta sa lupte cu virusurile  si infectiile care ii inconjoara.

Era luni, iar Aurora si Victoria aveau doua saptamani cand o asistenta a sunat si a zis ca plamanul drept al Aurorei a intrat in colaps, si trebuia sa fie intubata din nou. A fost terifiant sa ne gandim ca ceva rau s-ar putea intampla. Dupa investigatii specifice, doctorii ne-au spus ca are sepsis – o infectie foarte periculoasa. Chiar si o banala infectie poate ameninta viata prematurului. Toata lumea spunea ca, calatoria prin Sectia de Neonatologie si  Terapie Intensiva este cu suisuri si coborasuri, iar noi trebuia sa ne obisnuim cu acest lucru. Aurora a fost tratata cu antibiotice si am sperat sa se faca bine. Insa, din pacate, nu a fost asa. Starea ei din punct de vedere respiratoriu se degrada de la o zi la alta. Doctorii i-au atribuit diferite antibiotice, insa nimic nu parea sa bata infectia. Ea era inca intubata, cu 100% oxigen si oxid nitric, pentru a dilata si mai mult vasele de sange in plamani. A fost devastant sa o vedem umflata, avand o culoare schimbata si acoperita de cabluri.

Dupa mai multe investigatii, doctorii au descoperit ca, pe langa sepsis, Aurora avea si CMV. Toate acestea, i-au degradat dramatic plamanii. Doctorii spuneau ca plamanii ei erau atat de umflati, incat nu mai aveau forma de plamani. De-a lungul acestei perioade am trait sentimente de neputinta, disperare, durere. Ni se frangea inima sa o lasam la spital fara sa stim daca data viitoare cand venim ea va mai fi in viata. Intr-o noapte, un doctor care avea grija de ea, ne-a sunat in jurul orei doua si a spus ca, din nou, era foarte bolnava si au trebuit sa ii insereze canula in cap. La un moment dat, i-au fost atribuite toate medicamentele si procedurile posibile. Tot ce puteam face era sa ne rugam si sa speram la un alt miracol. Doctorii ne-au spus ca s-ar putea sa nu supravietuiasca. Iar daca o face, s-ar putea sa aiba nevoie de traheostomie pentru a o ajuta sa respire. Imi era atat de teama sa o pierd, dupa o perioada atat de dificita, dupa atatea batalii pe care, deja le castigase. Nimic nu ma putea consola. Vroiam doar sa traiasca, cu traheostomie sau orice altceva. As fi facut si as fi dat orice daca ar fi ajutat-o sa se faca bine. Atunci, am realizat ca exista situatii cand nu au importanta clasa sociala, educatia, mediul din care provenim, sau orice alta realizare. Am inteles ce simt parintii care au copii in faze terminale. Imi puteam imagina ce gandeau parintii care si-au pierdut copiii.

Am primit mult sprijin din partea personalului, dar totodata un sfat excelent care a ajuns la inima mea, si pe care mereu l-am urmat. Unul dintre doctori mi-a spus sa vorbesc cat se poate de mult cu Aurora, deoarece, cu toate ca era atat de bolnava, creierul ei continua sa creasca, iar ea avea nevoie sa auda oameni vorbind, nu doar aparate alarmand. Pana atunci, plangeam doar si sufeream sa o vad atat de slabita. Nici sa fie atinsa nu vroia. Daca imi puneam mana pe ea, nivelul de saturatie scadea. Si am inceput sa vorbesc…despre ce am simtit atunci, despre cat de mult imi doream sa supravietuiasca, despre tot ce imi venea in minte…si sa cant, cantece noi, vechi, orice cantec pe care, credeam ca il stiu, chiar daca nu imi aminteam cuvintele. La fel au facut sotul meu si fiica noastra.

Dupa 33 de zile in care a fost intubata, starea Aurorei a inceput sa se imbunatateasca.  Cu totii am fost surprinsi si impresionati de dorinta ei de a trai. Avea doar un kilogram si jumatate si o forta imensa. Eram atat de mandra cand personalul venea sa o felicite pentru ca a resit sa coboare de pe oxid nitric, ventilatie si morfina. Sectia de Neonatologie si Terapie Intensiva este un loc unde cel mai mic progres este sarbatorit, iar noi am avut alaturi oameni care ne-au impartasit tristetea si fericirea, deopotriva. Mai tarziu, o asistenta care o ingrijea de multe ori pe Aurora, spunea despre aceasta ca: “Ea este un miracol. Rareori am vazut un bebelus care sa lupte atat de puternic.”.

Pe de alta parte, Victoria a fost intubata timp de 23 de zile, insa destul de stabila. Ea, de asemenea avea CMV intr-un numar de copii mult mai mare decat Aurora, insa nu a afectat-o; prin urmare, nu avea nevoie de tratament. I-au fost atribuiti steroizi pentru a o ajuta sa coboare de pe ventilatie, insa nu au functionat. Plamanii aveau nevoie sa mai creasca. Dupa doua incercari, a reusit sa ramana pe biphasic si apoi CPAP.
Dupa ce, din punct de vedere clinic au fost mai bine, am putut in final, sa le imbratisez deodata pe fete. Curand dupa aceea, au fost transferate la Whittington Hospital, spitalul nostru local, pe 14 Noiembrie 2017. A fost trist sa ne luam ramas bun de la echipa exceptionala care s-a straduit atat de mult sa le tina in viata pe fetele noastre. Insa, la fel ca in orice alta situatie, trebuia sa ne adaptam la schimbari.

Sunt sigura ca fiecare persoana trece prin imprejurari dificile la un moment dat in viata. Totusi, atata timp cat esti sanatos, nimic nu este pierdut, pentru ca poti sa te ridici cand cazi, ca lupti si sa incerci miile de posibilitati care te pot duce acolo unde visezi sa fii.

Learn from the tiniest

“It is health that is the real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.“ said Mahatma Gandhi. However, sometimes it might take longer to realise it is true.

Preemies are very fragile, without strong organs to make them capable to survive by themselves, and with a weak immune system that does not help them to fight with the viruses and infections that are around.

It was a Monday, and Aurora and Victoria were two weeks old when a nurse called and said that Aurora’s right lung collapsed and she had to be intubated again. It was terrifying to think that something terrible could happen. After specific investigations, the doctors told us she has sepsis — a dangerous infection. For a preemie, even a mild infection is life-threatening. Everybody said that the journey through NICU is with ups and downs, and we had to get used to it. Aurora was treated with antibiotics, and we hoped she would get better, but unfortunately, she did not. She kept being very poor and her breathing was getting worse each day. The doctors tried different antibiotics, but nothing showed to beat the infection. She was still intubated, in 100% oxygen and nitric oxide, to help dilate the blood vessels in the lungs. It was devastating to see her puffy, with a changed colour and all covered by wires.

After doing further investigations, the doctors discovered that additionally to sepsis, Aurora also had CMV. All these things damaged her lungs dramatically. The doctors use to say she had “baggy lungs”, which means they did not have the shape of proper lungs. During this period, we experienced the feelings of helplessness, despair, pain. It was heartbreaking letting her in the hospital, not knowing if next time we will come she will still be alive. One night, around 2 am, the doctor who took care of her, called us and said that, again, she was very sick and they had to put a cannula in her head. At some point, she had all the medicine that she could have, everything could be done for her was done. We could only pray and hope for another miracle. The doctors told us she might not survive, and if she does, she will need a tracheostomy to help her breath. I was so scared thinking that we might lose her, after such a difficult time, after all the battles she already won. Nothing could console me. I just wanted her to live, with a tracheostomy, or with anything else. I would have done and given anything if something could make her better. At that time, I realised that there are situations when it does not matter the social class, education, background or any achievement. I understood what other parents who have terminally ill children feel. I could imagine what parents who lost their children think.

We received very much support from the staff at this time and also, excellent advice that went to my heart, and I always followed. One of the doctors, told me to talk to Aurora as much as possible, because, although she is so sick, her brain is growing continuously, and she needed to hear people talking, not only the machines alarming. Before that, I just cried and suffered seeing her like that. She did not even want to be touched. If I was putting my hand on her, the saturation level was going down. So I started to talk…about what I felt at that time, about how much I wished she could survive, about anything came to my mind…and sing, new songs, old songs, any song I thought I know, even if I could not remember the words. Same did my husband and our daughter.

After 33 days of being intubated, Aurora started to improve. We all have been surprised and amazed by her will to live. She was just 1.5 kg and had an immense strength. I felt so proud when the staff was coming to congratulate her for coming off the nitric, the ventilation and morphine. NICU is a place where the smallest progress is celebrated, and we had great people around who shared both our sadness and happiness. Later on, a nurse that often took care of Aurora, said that: “She is such a little miracle. I have rarely seen a baby fight so hard.”.

On the other hand, Victoria was intubated for 23 days, but quite stable. She also had CMV, even higher number of copies than Aurora, but it did not do any harm to her; therefore, it did not require treatment. She had steroids to help her come off ventilation, but they did not help. Her lungs needed to grow more. After two trials, she managed to stay on biphasic and then CPAP.

After they were clinically better, I could finally cuddle both of them, at the same time. Soon after, they were moved to Whittington Hospital, our local hospital, on 14th November 2017. We were unfortunate to say goodbye to the great team that worked so hard to keep our girls alive. However, just like in any other situation, we needed to adapt to changes.

I am sure that every person, at some point in life, is passing through a difficult moment. Weather is economic problems, familial or career. However, as long as you are healthy, nothing is lost, because you can get up when you fall, fight, and try thousands of solutions that can take you where you dream to be.

Dulce, dulce imbratisare

Prima noastra imbratisare cu Victoria si Aurora  este de neuitat. Aurora se descurca foarte bine in primele zile la Sectia de neonatologie si terapie intensiva neonatala. In ciuda faptului ca era asa de micuta, a fost un bebelus minunat, extubata dupa o zi, avand suzeta si plangandu-se pentru tot ce nu ii placea. Prima imbratisare a primit-o de la tatal ei, fiind ghemuita, dar confortabila. Zilele urmatoare, am imbratisat-o si eu. A fost un sentiment unic sa o am la pieptul meu, acoperindu-i cu mainile mele corpul intreg. Am fost atat de fericita ca o am, dat totodata trista pentru ca era asa de micuta. Victoria, in schimb, era mai bolnavioara, insa tot frumoasa, cu ochii mari si mult par. Aceasta era inca intubata si avea recesiune din cauza faptului ca respira greu. Am imbratisat-o si pe ea dupa cateva zile de la nastere, si din nou, a fost un moment special. Maria, sora lor cea mare, abia astepta sa le cunoasca. Noi am fost ezitanti cu privire la aducerea ei la spital, insa dorinta ei de a le cunoaste pe fete, a invins. Ulterior, ea s-a jucat la gradinita cu un bebelus de jucarie si l-a pus in cuptor cu microunde de jucarie, spunand ca bebelusul este prea mic si trebuie ca creasca acolo.
Primele doua saptamani la sectia de neonatologie au reprezentat un proces de adaptare la mediu, la masinile, cablurile si sunetele de acolo. Ne-am obisnuit aproape cu toate, cu exceptia faptului ca trebuia sa le vedem pe fete avand proceduri dureroase, cum ar fi: gazele de sange, perfuziile intravenoase sau controlul la ochisori. La inceput nu am putut sa   le privesc in timpul realizarii acestor proceduri, pana nu am realizat ca ele au nevoie ca eu sa fiu acolo si sa le linistesc cu mana mea. Aurora obisnuia sa planga, emitand sunete slabe. Victoria nu a fost capabila sa scoata vreun sunet. Puteam doar sa vad expresia fetei si lacrimile. Intotdeauna am plans pentru ele inauntrul meu. Mereu ma intrebam cum pot sa reziste, ce simt si ce ganduri au despre persoanele care realizau respectivele proceduri. Cu toate astea, stiam ca sunt vitale pentru a le tine in viata.

Este o provocare sa iti vezi bebelusul atat de micut, bolnav, fara sa fi capabil sa ai grija de el, fiind nevoit sa il lasi la spital cand trebuie sa pleci. Initial, simti ca ti-ai dori sa te muti la spital si sa stai cu bebelusul tau 24 de ore pe zi, pana te lovesti de realitate si realizezi ca ai si alti copii pe care trebuie sa-i ingrijesti, ca trebuie sa mergi la munca uneori, ca nici nu este foarte indicat sa stai mereu la spital. Eu si sotul meu am lucrat in echipa, am impartit responsabilitatile si am dat tot ce aveam mai bun cand eram la spital. Imi amintesc ca o mama care petrecuse deja o lunga perioada de timp la Sectia de neonatologie, mi-a spus ca cel mai important lucru pe care l-as putea face este sa ajung sa imi cunosc foarte bine fetele. Astfel, voi fi capabila sa le urmaresc progresele si cele mai mici schimbari care pot fi un semn ca ceva nu este in regula, avand posibilitatea de a preveni. In ciuda faptului ca  fac treaba fantastica, doctorii si asistentele vor  trebui sa schimbe tura, insa parintii sunt langa copiii lor in fiecare zi.
Alte sfaturi pe care le-am primit au fost sa avem grija de noi  si sa cerem ajutor la nevoie. Este o necesitate ca parintii sa nu uite ca sunt fiinte umane, si sa incerce sa doarma, sa manance si sa consume lichide, pentru a se mentine sanatosi. Fiecare calatorie prin Sectia de neonatologie este diferita. Unii copii sunt spitalizati mai mult timp, altii mai putin. In cazul nostru, Victoria a fost spitalizata timp de 233 de zile, iar Aurora 267 zile. In acest timp, unul dintre noi a fost cu ele in fiecare zi. Mai mult, cand nu eram la spital, primul lucru dimineata, si ultimul seara a fost sa sunam la spital si sa intrebam cum sunt. Ne-am folosit toate resursele fizice si psihice pentru a le fi alaturi. Nu ne era permis sa ne simtim rau, ca ele sa ne simta lipsa.

“Ajutor” este un cuvant crucial in lupta cu prematuritatea. Parintii trebuie sa ceara ajutorul necesar. Fie ca este pentru alaptare, limba sau sprijin psihologic, deoarece acestia trebuie sa isi foloseasca toata energia pentru a-i ajuta pe copiii lor firavi sa infloresca, nu sa se chinuie si cu alte lucruri. De astfel, cei care cunosc oameni care se afla in situatii asemanatoare, ii pot ajuta in diferite moduri. Fie avand grija de copiii  lor mai mari, sa-i duca sau sa-i ia de la scoala, fie impartind cina cu ei, sau doar incurajandu-i. Orice ajutor este binevenit, oricat ar fi de minuscul. Ce nu ar trebui sa faca, in opinia mea, este sa-i intrebe cand le va veni bebelusul acasa. Nimeni nu poate prezice acest lucru, iar persistand in acest sens, ii poate face pe parinti sa se simta frustrati.

Sotul meu are, de asemenea, de transmis niste ganduri parintilor. In afara de a se implica in ingrijirea copiiilor si comunicarea cu personalul spitalului, sa nu isi piarda credinta in Dumnezeu, intrucat de la acolo vine adevaratul ajutor.

Sunt foarte curioasa cum a decurs prima ta imbratisare, fie cu bebelus prematur sau la termen. Lasa un comentariu cu momentul vostru special. Te rog, asigura-te ca respectivul comentariu este prietenos si nu jigneste pe nimeni.

Multumesc ca ai citit!

Sweet, sweet cuddle

Our first cuddle with Victoria and Aurora is unforgettable. Aurora was doing very well in her early days in NICU. Despite being so little, she was such a lovely baby extubated after one day, sucking on the dummy and complaining whenever she did not like something. She had her first cuddle with her daddy, snuggle and comfortable. Next days I had one too. It was a unique feeling having her on my chest, with my hands covering her entire body. I was so happy to have her and sad that she was so little.  Victoria instead was a bit poorer, but still beautiful with big eyes and much hair. She was still intubated and having the recession when breathing. We have been worried about her but hoped for the best. She also had a cuddle in the first days, and again, it was a particular moment. Maria, the big sister, could not wait to meet the babies. We were a bit hesitant about bringing her or not to the hospital, but her desire to see them won. Later on, she played with a baby toy at the nursery and had put it in a microwave toy saying that he needs to grow.

Our first two weeks at NICU represented a process of adaptation to the environment, to the many machines, wires and noises that were there.  We got used to everything, except to see our babies having painful procedures, such as blood gases, cannulation, inserting long lines or eye tests. In the beginning, I was not able to look until I realised that they need me to be there and hold my hand on them. Aurora used to cry, making quite sounds. Victoria was not able to. I could see the expression on her face and the tears. I always cried for both of them inside me. I kept asking myself how can they take it, what they feel and what they think about the people who use to do those procedures over and over again. However, I knew they were essential to keep them alive.

 

It is challenging to see your baby tiny, sick, not being able to take care of him and let it in the hospital when who had to leave. It the beginning you feel like you want to move to the hospital and be with your baby 24h a day until the reality hits you and you realise that you have other kids to take care of, that you have to go to work sometimes, and that is not even indicated to be always there. What my husband and I did, was working in a team, sharing the responsibilities, and doing our best when in hospital. I remember one of the moms who already spent much time in NICU, told me that the most important thing I could do is to get to know my babies. This way I would be able to follow their progress, notice any changes that could be a sign of something going wrong and help to prevent it. Despite doing a fantastic job, doctors and nurses will have to change shift, but parents are there every day.

Other advise that we received was to take care of our self and ask for help when needed. It is imperative that parents do not forget they are human beings and try to sleep, eat and drink. Every journey throughout NICU is different. Some babies stay longer, some shorter, and parents need to be with their babies. We stayed in NICU 233 days with Victoria, and 267 with Aurora. In this time, one of us was every day at the hospital. Moreover, when home, the first thing in the morning and the last in the evening, was to call the hospital and ask how are they doing. We used all our physical and psychical resources, and we were not allowed to get unwell.

Help is a critical word in the journey of prematurity. Parents should ask for any help they need. Weather is breastfeeding, language difficulties or psychical support. That is because they should use all their energy to help their baby thrive, not to struggle with any other things. Moreover, people who know parents with premature babies can help them in different ways. Weather is taking care of their other kids, dropping them off or picking up from school, sharing their dinner or just encouraging them. Everything is welcomed and is one worry less to know that you can appeal to somebody when you get stuck. What they should not do, in my opinion, is ask when the baby will come home. Nobody can predict this and asking it all the time makes the parents frustrated.

My husband also has some thought for parents with premature babies, apart from getting involved in their care, to collaborate with hospital staff — also, the most important not to lose their faith in God as there is where the real help comes.

I am very curious how was your first cuddle with your baby, whether he was premature or term baby. Leave a comment with your special moments. Please, make sure your comment is friendly and does not offend anyone.

Thank you for reading!

 

Depasindu-mi limitele

Cat de departe crezi ca putem merge ca sa obtinem ceva? Intotdeauna am fost rezervata in a face anumite lucruri, doar pentru ca am crezut ca dintr-un anumit punct nu voi fi capabila sa le controlez si voi esua. De exemplu, sa vorbesc in public. Problemele cu a doua sarcina m-au facut sa depasesc aceasta mentalitate si “sa merg pe sarma”. Totodata, m-au facut sa ma uit inainte, sa-mi tin echilibrul si sa nu renunt pana nu ajung la capat.

Sunt o persoana foarte activa si imi place sa fiu ocupata. Fiind nevoita sa stau doar in pat, a fost ca si cum mi-ar fi fost taiate aripile. Am stat in spital aproape 9 saptamani. Am fost stabilita la Departamentul de Ingrijire Prenatala, la University College London Hospitals, impartind salonul cu doamne care erau pe cale sa nasca. Maria, fiica noastra cea mare, care avea 3 ani atunci, obisnuia sa ma viziteze la sfarsit de saptamana, si sa ne vedem prin telefon, in restul zilelor. A fost incredibil de greu sa fim despartite si sa raspund la intrebarile inteligente pe care mi le punea. Cum ar fi: ” Mami, de ce esti in spital? Cand o sa vi acasa? Cand o sa te faci bine? De ce plange doamna? Cand o sa se nasca bebelusii?” Cu toate acestea, am continuat sa fac pasi marunti, exact ca pe sarma, de la o zi la alta. Fiecare zi ce trecuse era o realizare imensa, si am multumit lui Dumnezeu pentru aceasta.

La 24 de saptamani de gestatie,doctorii au fost pregatiti sa le intampine pe bebeluse daca ar fi venit. Am avut un curs de steroizi, pentru a ajuta maturarea plamanilor, un doctor neonatalog a venit sa vorbeasca cu mine si sa ma ajute sa inteleg ce avea sa se intample, am mers chiar sa vizitez Sectia de Neonatologie, pentru a evita un eventual soc la contactul vizual cu bebelusii. In timpul vizitei, am cunoscut un baietel de 26 de saptamani, care avea greutatea de aproximativ 700 g. A fost atat de bizar sa il vad. Nu stiam cum sa reactionez, ce sa zic, sau ce sa fac. Deja facusem o cercetare pe internet si am vazut numeroase fotografii cu bebelusi prematuri, insa nimic nu se compara cu a vedea unul real. M-am intors in salonul meu si m-am rugat pentru inca macar cateva zile fara sa nasc.

Am primit atat de multa incurajare din partea personalului de la spital, dar in special din partea sotului meu, care a fost extraordinar de sprijinitor si iubitor. Insa cel mai tare am fost motivata de fetele mele puternice. Ele nu vroiau sa vina pe lume inca, iar mie nu imi era permis sa fac ceva  ce ar fi provocat acest lucru. Partea frumoasa a fost ca le-am putut auzi inimile de cel putin 4 ori pe zi, deoarece inima Victoriei se putea opri oricand, din cauza lipsei fluidului amniotic.

Nu ma gandeam la lumea de afara,cu exceptia familiei mele. Mi-am folosit toata energia pentru a continua sarcina. Totodata, am baut multa apa, ceea ce chiar a facut o diferenta. M-am surprins pe mine insumi. Nu ma imaginasem atat de puternica, concentrata, capabila sa fac fata stresului si presiunii. Am realizat ca nu ne cunostem limitele, decat daca le testam. Ca nu stim cat de puternici suntem, pana nu suntem obligati sa fim.

La 26 de saptamani si 4 zile, Aurora a pierdut si ea lichidul amniotic. Am inceput sa fiu foarte ingrijorata. Deoarece ea avea inca destul fluid, a reusit sa mentina pantecul inlargit, astfel Victoria avea o sansa. Era clar ca nu mai puteau sa stea inauntru pentru multa vreme. La 27 de saptamani si 3 zile am inceput sa am contractii. Am fost mutata la Departamentul de Nasteri si din nou, personalul care ma ingrijise se pregatea de venirea fetelor. Am avut inca un curs de steroizi si unul de magneziu, care ajuta la prevenirea sangerarilor de pe creier la copii prematuri, si totodata, incetineste contractiile. In cazul meu asa a fost. Imi aduc aminte de o moasa, a carei sora nascuse gemeni la 27 saptamani si 3 zile. Ea a spus ca a fost greu, dar ca au crescut frumos copilasii.

Am stat 5 zile la Departamentul de Nasteri, conectata permanent la monitoraj. In acest timp am avut nenumarate proceduri dureroase si foarte putin somn. Maria a venit sa ma vada duminica, insa a fost foarte ingrijorata cand m-a vazut. Eram extenuata. Doctorul consultant a venit a doua zi si a decis ca fetele trebuie sa se nasca.

Era luni, 18 septembrie 2017 cand s-au nascut prin cezariana, la UCLH. La ora 12:47, Victoria venise pe lume. Doua minute mai tarziu, Aurora, care a si plans.  Nu le-am avut la pieptul meu, cum se intampla cu alti bebelusi. Au fost repede primite de echipa de neonatologie, care a facut o treaba fantastica. Dupa cateva saptamani, ne-au spus ca era destul de greu sa le stabilizeze. M-am simtit despresurata si am sperat ca fetele vor evolua bine. Greutatea lor era foarte incurajatoare: 990 g pentru Aurora, si 1139 g pentru Victoria. Suna atat de micute, dar pentru varsta lor, a fost foarte bine. Am mers in salonul in care erau ca sa le cunosc. Nu am putut vedea mare lucru, deoarece erau acoperite de cablurile si tuburile ce le mantineau in viata. Insa, toata lumea m-a asigurat ca sunt bine.

Data viitoare am sa va povestesc cate lucruri a trebuit sa mai invatam. Incepand cu modul in care trebuia sa avem grija de micute, dat totodata si de noi.

Surpassing my limits

How far do you think we can go when we want to achieve something? I was always reserved for doing some things, just because I thought I wouldn’t be able to handle them from some point and I will fail. For example, talking in public. Problems with my second pregnancy made me overcome this mentality and “walk on a wire”, pushed me to look straight, to hold the equilibrium and not give up until I do not get to the end.

I am a very active person, and I love being busy. Being on bed rest was like cutting my wings.  I spent almost nine weeks in the hospital. I was based at Antenatal Care, at University College London Hospitals, sharing the ward with ladies who were about to give birth. Maria, our eldest daughter who was three years old at that time, use to visit me during the weekend and face time the rest of the days. It was incredibly hard being apart from her, and answering her clever question: “Mommy, why are you in the hospital? When are you going to come home? When are you going to get better? Why is the lady crying? When will the babies come?”. I kept doing small steps, just like on the wire, from one day to another. Every passing day was such a significant achievement, and I thanked God for it.

At 24 weeks, the doctors were ready for the babies to come. I had a course of steroids to help the maturation of their lungs, a neonatal doctor came to talk to me and helped me understand what was going to happen, I even went to visit Neonatal Unit, not to have a shock when seeing them. During my visit, I met a baby boy of 26 weeks, weighing around 700g. It was such a bizarre feeling to see him. I did not know how to react, what to say or to do. I already did a research on the internet, and Isaw various photos with premature babies, but it could not compare to seeing a real one. I went back to Antenatal Care and prayed for at least a few more days without giving birth.

I received so much encouragement from the staff, and especially from my husband, who was incredibly supportive and loving. However, the most important, I was motivated by my strong girls. They did not want to come yet, and I was not allowed to do something that could make it happen. The beauty of everything was that I could hear their hearts at least four times a day. That was because anytime, Victoria’s heart could stop, due to fewer fluids.

 I was not even thinking to the outside world, except to my family. I used all my energy to carry on with the pregnancy. I also drank a lot of water and it really made a difference. I amazed myself. I could never imagine my person so strong, so focused, able to cope with such high stress and pressure. I learnt that we never know our limits if we do not test them. We never know how strong we are, until we are not pushed to be so.

At 26 weeks and four days, Aurora lost the water too. I started to be very worried. Because she had quite enough fluids, she kept the womb enlarged, this way Victoria also had a chance. They could not stay in for too long now. At 27 weeks and three days, I started to have contractions was moved to Labour Ward. Again, everybody was getting ready to receive the girls. I had another course of steroids, a sequence of magnesium, which helps the prevention of brain bleeding in premature babies, and also slows down the contraction. It did so in my case. A neonatal doctor came to speak again to me, even the anaesthetist. I remember there was a very kind midwife who`s sister gave birth to twins at 27 weeks and 3 days. She said it was difficult, but they grew up so beautiful.

I spent five days at Labour Ward, permanently connected to the monitoring. During this time, I had numerous painful procedures, contractions, and so little sleep. Maria came to see me on Sunday and she was worried when she saw me. I was exhausted. Dr consultant came next day, and he decided that the girls have to come out.

It was Monday, 18th September 2017 when they were born via C- section, at UCLH. At 12:47, baby Victoria came out.2 minutes later, baby Aurora, who even cried. I did not have them at my chest, as it happens with other babies. They went straight to the neonatal team, which did a fantastic job. Weeks after, they told us it was quite challenging to stabilise them. I felt so relieved, and I hoped the girls will do well. Their weight was very encouraging: 990g for Aurora, 1139 for Victoria. It sounds so little, but for their age, it was a good one. I went to the nursery where they were. I could not see much, as they were covered by the wires and the tubing that kept them alive. But, everybody reassured me they were fine.

Next time, I am going to tell you how many things we had to learn again. beginning with how to take care of our babies, but also, of ourselves.